Justifiable Homicide
Anything written with the above title needs to be prudently brief. Today is Christmas Day and there are a few people, or groups thereof, that should be singled out on this bounteous day of joy and gift giving for "sanctioning," with or without Extreme Prejudice.
The first are the people responsible for fastening childrens' toys, already surrounded by an indecent amount of non-recyclable glossy cardboard and plastic, to the packaging with dozens of annoying and difficult twist ties. Leave 'em for garbage bags where they belong. First you have to dismember the box and plastic landfill mass just to get to the twisted little buggers, then the dexterity exercises begin. Stocking stuffer idea: Santa's little helpers should provide mommies and daddies with little pairs of festive wire cutters.
The other group are the people who came up with the idea of mounting your merchandise in a sandwich of clear plastic, surrounded by a cardboard or paper insert, with the edges of the container (or crusts, if you will) welded together in some kind of unopenable bond. These things are clearly not intended to be opened: there are no lids or flaps or zippers, no indentations for leverage, no slots, holes or velcro. Like walnuts, the packaging has to be physically destroyed to reach the actual goods.
It has to be cut, slashed and rended according to either the skill or frustration level of the consumer, depending on the dominant emotion. I've tried slicing the edges with a sharp knife (scary - if I'm not dexterous enough for twist ties...), cutting away with scissors (two layers of plastic plus the paper or cardboard is TOUGH), and avoiding purchasing these items altogether. Usually I manage a slice of an encouraging but misleading size then try good ol' fashioned brute strength to force the rest of this future pollution to yield. It never works, and I have to cut some more. This is usually the exact point where I shouldn't be trusted with anything sharp.
I saw on TV the other day some kind of slicing device made specifically to cut the bonded edges of these abominations without having to resort to the above mentioned caveman tactics. Talk about opportunistic. I hope they do well, though, I really do. They've come up with a solution for a specific problem that, if the commercial can be believed, will relieve the common man of the stresses and hazards of dealing with getting your hands on the goods you've actually purchased. For $9.99, It doesn't have any other use or purpose and in theory, even people with fingers fatigued from a constant untwisting motion can use it safely.
It just damn well better come in a little paper sack, preferably with an open top that balloons open when I breathe on it...
The first are the people responsible for fastening childrens' toys, already surrounded by an indecent amount of non-recyclable glossy cardboard and plastic, to the packaging with dozens of annoying and difficult twist ties. Leave 'em for garbage bags where they belong. First you have to dismember the box and plastic landfill mass just to get to the twisted little buggers, then the dexterity exercises begin. Stocking stuffer idea: Santa's little helpers should provide mommies and daddies with little pairs of festive wire cutters.
The other group are the people who came up with the idea of mounting your merchandise in a sandwich of clear plastic, surrounded by a cardboard or paper insert, with the edges of the container (or crusts, if you will) welded together in some kind of unopenable bond. These things are clearly not intended to be opened: there are no lids or flaps or zippers, no indentations for leverage, no slots, holes or velcro. Like walnuts, the packaging has to be physically destroyed to reach the actual goods.
It has to be cut, slashed and rended according to either the skill or frustration level of the consumer, depending on the dominant emotion. I've tried slicing the edges with a sharp knife (scary - if I'm not dexterous enough for twist ties...), cutting away with scissors (two layers of plastic plus the paper or cardboard is TOUGH), and avoiding purchasing these items altogether. Usually I manage a slice of an encouraging but misleading size then try good ol' fashioned brute strength to force the rest of this future pollution to yield. It never works, and I have to cut some more. This is usually the exact point where I shouldn't be trusted with anything sharp.
I saw on TV the other day some kind of slicing device made specifically to cut the bonded edges of these abominations without having to resort to the above mentioned caveman tactics. Talk about opportunistic. I hope they do well, though, I really do. They've come up with a solution for a specific problem that, if the commercial can be believed, will relieve the common man of the stresses and hazards of dealing with getting your hands on the goods you've actually purchased. For $9.99, It doesn't have any other use or purpose and in theory, even people with fingers fatigued from a constant untwisting motion can use it safely.
It just damn well better come in a little paper sack, preferably with an open top that balloons open when I breathe on it...
posted by Rick Ollerman at 10:30 PM
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