Random Thoughts

I've posted before about how the use of CGI effects in movies typically ruin the damn things, but the same is true of commercials. I keep seeing that one where the guy walks out of his house, his wife tells him to be careful, and then he walks to the end of his walk and dives off a three thousand foot cliff. Clearly the house and the cliff don't match and are a complete figment. Sure, they actually shoot a guy doing a base jump off of something but at that point, so what? Any possibility of anything exciting me has been stamped out with a jackboot.

This commercial also poses several logistical challenges as well, chief of which is how the hell does he get back up again? And if you're so clearly lying to me about the house with the front yard cliff how do you expect me to believe whatever nice things you're saying about your own car?

Here's how you make this one better. First, turn off all the computers. Second, find or build a house near the edge of an actual cliff. Then start with the car or SUV parked in front of the house. Have the guy come out, kiss his wife, then drive the damn car over the cliff. If he can bail out, fine, who cares, show me the new thirty thousand dollar vehicle bouncing off the cliff side and pounding itself into the desert floor. Add a tagline about crash testing and you'd have me back simply by doing something real, for chrissake. Who wouldn't want to watch that?

Another thing that burns me up when I think about it is these Chinese bastards (or whomever they are) that traffic or partake in illegal animal parts for their sexual delights. No, I've never tried bear gall bladder or whatnot as an aphrodesiac. I don't think it will work. How's this for a bumper sticker: Save A Bear, Try Internet Porn.

I suspect that these things have any aphrodesiacal effects at all they come as a proxy representation of actually killing the poor beasts. Sort of like a hunter, getting off on killing a beautiful animal who on his worst day wants only to keep on living and breathing, just like us stupid human beings. I don't care how much of the animal you eat, you didn't kill it because your stomach was rumbling. Keep feeling good about yourself, though.

If you want a real aphrodesiac, one that doesn't come at the expense of a shark or a bear or any other animal, I can give you one that's been around for hundreds of years: prison. Stick these sexual predators (note the double meaning) in a prison cell for five or six years and see how horny they are when they come out. I'd bet it's suitably impressive.

Is it worth it, though? Let's see, I'll trade you a year's subscription to Penthouse or Playboy (your choice), membership to the porn website of your choice, and a Jenna Jameson video collection for either: five years of solitary confinement or the life of a grizzly or a black bear (your choice). I'll even throw in a bottle of Viagara. Come on, what do you say? Either way, you'd get laid eventually. If you choose the prison option and you're real good, you can have a cell mate who's all man, too. Does that make it easier? At least you have choices.